If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
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We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
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you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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