if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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