I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
