You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
