Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
