so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
