you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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