R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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