I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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