I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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