Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
