Did I show you my penis last night?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
