I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
