There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
