"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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