someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
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I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
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The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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