Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
