When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
