If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
