Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
