I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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