so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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