The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
