I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
