Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
