I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
