Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
