Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
