My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i out mim tonsoeep
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
