The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
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Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
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Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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