I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
