when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
