i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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