shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
