So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
