my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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