Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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