Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
