you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
