We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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