why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
