Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
