his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
