matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize