seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
