I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
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I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
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She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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