sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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