I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
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I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
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My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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