her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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