im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
