dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
