Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
