i wish my penis had a tongue
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
