where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
