the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize