I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
