Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
